A Regular Person’s Explanation of CERN’s July 5th Collider Test

Most of us have probably been in the TikTok rabbit hole at some point and, if the algorithm (or the Lord…I can’t really be sure) deems you worthy, you’ve probably been dropped into “Spiritual TikTok” — a mystical place that draws the weird, ancestral acknowledging, yoga practicing, sage cleansing, crystal wearing hippies who are convinced that we’re either living in a simulation or an infinite loop that will only end when the puppet masters tire of playing this game. That was a lot…I know. But it was my moment to shine. Anyway! If you’ve ever stumbled on this magical TikTok wormhole, you were probably aware that on July 5th, that the European Council for Nuclear Research, or CERN (derived from the acronym for the French “Conseil Européen pour la Recherché”) would be powering up the Large Hadron Collider.

Now, while the folks on Spiritual TikTok were right about the date the collider would be powered on and the fact that the collider would, in fact, be powered on, they didn’t offer much more factual detail. Instead, the monologues leaned towards the belief that this test had the potential to open another dimension, potentially releasing something this world (and probably more particularly, the United States of America) would be ill prepared to welcome at best, or combat, at worst. And while at this point, it’s hard to put anything past…